What terrifies me?

Montage photos of my mother and me; with her grand children; before and after dementia. – By C.E. Pereira

My Notebook: Printed Pages – 10

By C.E. Pereira

I am sad. I am angry. I hurt. I am stressed out, I’m so tired, I am in denial. This shouldn’t be about me but I cannot help it. Either, I write my feelings on paper, or go silently berseck living with “Dementia”.

How can I tell this story? Our story? My mother’s story? It would not be fair to her. Her mind is being short circuited. Her memory is stuck in the past, sometimes clear and other times lost in a different reality. So, I will tell my story.

She is my mother. Yet, she is not my mother. My mother is gentle. This one is not. My mother is quiet. This one is not. My mother is soft spoken. This one is not. The voice is of my mother’s but the personalities are those of strangers.

My mind cannot seem to wrap itself around the extreme changes each day. I don’t know if I’d get Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde. I want to shut out these new memories of my mother. The mother I know is not in this person who looks like her and talks like her. Is she locked deep inside her mind? Is she fighting to find her way out? Or, is her memory being deleted, purged, wiped out?

I try to remember conversations we’ve had in the past. And I cannot. All I seem to remember is what she says now. Words that saddens me, hurt me, pains me. Yet, her words are not directed towards me. So, why does it still slice through me? She doesn’t see me, she sees someone else in me. But, I still hear her harsh words.

I dread each day. I hate myself for dreading each day. She is my Mum, and yet, she is not my Mum. This is my hell. And I’m sure it is her hell too.

Life isn’t fair. What it throws your way, no matter how unfair it may seem, I tell myself don’t give up. I try to remember that every cloud has a silver lining.

This is our life now. Each day I watch my mother consumed by her fears. My heart is sad and heavy. Each day I watch my mother fight her demons. I ask God to send the Angels to keep her safe from evil and her nightmares. Each day I watch her cry, laugh or throw a tantrum. And all I can do is comfort and calm her. Even this, I fail miserably.

My prayers are not helping. Why? I don’t know. God knows but I don’t hear His answers. I have faith that He will answer In His Time. I try to stay positive, to repeat the Serenity Prayer.

My mother had no symtons of Dementia before turning 89 years old. Or before the medical emergency of a raptured stomach ulcer or three endoscope with NO general anesthesia. Did these send my mother into the path of Dementia and pushed her over the edge?

There are no answers. Only questions. I have resigned myself to the reality that life throws lots of lemons. I’ll just have to make lots of lemonades. But frankly, I am frighten that I will end up like my mother. It terrifies me!

(20-7-2020)

The hymn In His Time and the Serenity Prayer are like balm to my heart and soul.

In His Time

In His time, in His time,
He makes all thing beautiful in His time.
Lord, my life to you I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to you a lovely thing, in your time.

In your time, in your time,
You make all thing beautiful in your time.
Lord, my life to you I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to you a lovely thing, in your time.

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

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