Posted in Story

What terrifies me?

Montage photos of my mother and me; with her grand children; before and after dementia. – By C.E. Pereira

My Notebook: Printed Pages – 10

By C.E. Pereira

I am sad. I am angry. I hurt. I am stressed out, I’m so tired, I am in denial. This shouldn’t be about me but I cannot help it. Either, I write my feelings on paper, or go silently berseck living with “Dementia”.

How can I tell this story? Our story? My mother’s story? It would not be fair to her. Her mind is being short circuited. Her memory is stuck in the past, sometimes clear and other times lost in a different reality. So, I will tell my story.

She is my mother. Yet, she is not my mother. My mother is gentle. This one is not. My mother is quiet. This one is not. My mother is soft spoken. This one is not. The voice is of my mother’s but the personalities are those of strangers.

My mind cannot seem to wrap itself around the extreme changes each day. I don’t know if I’d get Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde. I want to shut out these new memories of my mother. The mother I know is not in this person who looks like her and talks like her. Is she locked deep inside her mind? Is she fighting to find her way out? Or, is her memory being deleted, purged, wiped out?

I try to remember conversations we’ve had in the past. And I cannot. All I seem to remember is what she says now. Words that saddens me, hurt me, pains me. Yet, her words are not directed towards me. So, why does it still slice through me? She doesn’t see me, she sees someone else in me. But, I still hear her harsh words.

I dread each day. I hate myself for dreading each day. She is my Mum, and yet, she is not my Mum. This is my hell. And I’m sure it is her hell too.

Life isn’t fair. What it throws your way, no matter how unfair it may seem, I tell myself don’t give up. I try to remember that every cloud has a silver lining.

This is our life now. Each day I watch my mother consumed by her fears. My heart is sad and heavy. Each day I watch my mother fight her demons. I ask God to send the Angels to keep her safe from evil and her nightmares. Each day I watch her cry, laugh or throw a tantrum. And all I can do is comfort and calm her. Even this, I fail miserably.

My prayers are not helping. Why? I don’t know. God knows but I don’t hear His answers. I have faith that He will answer In His Time. I try to stay positive, to repeat the Serenity Prayer.

My mother had no symtons of Dementia before turning 89 years old. Or before the medical emergency of a raptured stomach ulcer or three endoscope with NO general anesthesia. Did these send my mother into the path of Dementia and pushed her over the edge?

There are no answers. Only questions. I have resigned myself to the reality that life throws lots of lemons. I’ll just have to make lots of lemonades. But frankly, I am frighten that I will end up like my mother. It terrifies me!


The hymn In His Time and the Serenity Prayer are like balm to my heart and soul.

In His Time

In His time, in His time,
He makes all thing beautiful in His time.
Lord, my life to you I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to you a lovely thing, in your time.

In your time, in your time,
You make all thing beautiful in your time.
Lord, my life to you I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to you a lovely thing, in your time.

Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.



I'm a Eurasian of Portuguese, English, Scottish and Malay heritage. And my extended family are of Chinese and Indian heritage. In recent years, the younger generation have added on to include spouses from the Philippines, Nigeria and Russia. My world is made up of different colours like the rainbow. And like the rainbow I am unique. Reading is my form of relaxation, to escape from the drudgery of daily life and enter into a world of the imagination. It is the love of reading that has led me to try my hand in writing short stories and poems. I hope that in some way my stories and poems will take you for a little while away from the drudgery of the present into the pages of imagination. To new friends found, I bid you, Welcome. Sincerely, C.E. Pereira

28 thoughts on “What terrifies me?

  1. Cepcarol,
    I’m praying for you, Dear. You have to be strong in this situation. I lost my mother when I was 19 years old, my young brother was only 13 at that time. It was dreadful for us. I miss her so much, even now I’m 76 years old. You still have your mother, no matter of what, mum is still there Dear. So try your best, you will be Okay. I would wish you well and STRONG. God bless you.
    Love from

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Queadrian for your care and concern. I still have a little of my mother, but each day I lose some of her to the dementia. God is my strength. My friends are the Angels he has sent to help me. God bless you. Take care, be safe.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You have my deepest sympathy. My mother, also with dementia (vascular), is now 90. Every few months, we notice another downward drift. There is no logic, left. She lives entirely from habit – yet is still able to look after herself, as long we guard the ‘edges’. We don’t know how long she has left, but we do our best to put aside the angst and celebrate the good moments while they are present.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your sharing. I too treasure those good days which are so few. Yet, she is becoming a stranger to me as I am to her. She sees and talks to unseen people around her. Are they spirits or her hallucinations? But it is real to her.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My aunt and my uncle died because of Alzheimer’s disease. It terrifies me too. I often try to put myself in their shoes or better yet try to become a brain cell in their mind just to know what it is that goes through their mind. It is a dreadful disease and I know how exhausting and stressful it can be for loved ones. God bless. Thanks for stopping by Poemattic.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My best to you. I know it’s a very difficult situation. Maybe…remember you’re doing the best you can for her, even those times when you don’t really feel that way, and also try to not take what she says and does personally. It’s the dementia that makes her act that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My prayers with you, for you, and for your Mum. Mine died last year, November 2019. She said some terrible, cruel things before she died. In the year before. I could not understand how she could be so cruel. I continued to love her. I wept for her. I believe she had dementia though itwas never formally diagnosed. Without God I would never have got through. It is. Terribly, terribly hard time. Please keep writing it out. It might help. I used to feel that I would burst too, at keeping it in. There are no easy answers. But God is with you. Much love to you. ❤️ Please forgve if there are any typos, as I am blind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My condolences to you. Your Mum is at peace now. You and I have to tell ourselves that what they said to us wasn’t really them but the dementia. Your sharing gives me strength. Even though each day will be a challenge, I know you are keeping my Mum and me in prayer. Thank you.🌹

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very very welcome. I so felt for you in your post. Yes, I remember the nicer things about my mum. We have to do that. So glad that in some way my response gave you some strength. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  6. My heart goes out to you. My dad developed dementia in his late 70s. Went through a variety of behaviors over 5 years. My sisters & I could not manage, had to get outside help to come in, last 2-1/2 yrs was 24 hour care at home. Tried memory care unit, lasted 5 days, was a disaster. We watched him decline for 5 years. He would not let us change his clothes. He would literally fight us and scream at us and it became a real nightmare when he became incontinent 😓 It is like another person has moved into their body. Hang in there. I feel your pain 💕🌷 My dad died on May 8 this year.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My condolences to you. Your Dad is at peace now. Hugs for you and your sisters. Thank you for your sharing. It helps so much that someone understands what I am going through. Only by God’s grace I am able to bear this weight. Today, you are one of his angels sent to give me strength. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry for what you are going through now, but I believe you should try to look at all the nice moments you had before she had dementia symptoms. Perhaps she doesn’t even realize. My mother, during the last period of her life, couldn’t remember the name of her children. As with many other symptoms, it was devastating, but we knew that it was upon her will. Have a nice day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for caring. I do try to remember those moments before her dementia. I know she doesn’t realize what she says or do. Her mind is on another reality. It is so hard to see her dignity striped little by little. 💐


  8. Do not worry things will get better over time! I am soo sorry for all you are going through, and I won’t tell you, that I understand, because I truly don’t! Only you will understand the pain. May God make it easy on you!!♥️♥️🌠

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